What are we even doing?
Tonight is another Halloween night and I cannot help but wonder what the point is. Mostly for me… I’m for sure the problem here!
It’s Perfectly Normal to Enjoy Life
I am painfully aware that I am working through some longstanding depression, but evenings that are supposed to be fun and carefree really trigger me.
I’ve been single for nearly 15 years and alone in my apartment for over a year since my dogs passed. Living alone without friends or family near me for over 3 years now. I am usually fine both mentally and emotionally about this since I am firm in my belief that I haven’t created any space for anyone else to enter my life, but it’s evenings like this that really make me question my resolve.
I am out having dinner and drinks (alone of course) for the umpteenth time this month, but seeing friends and couples out enjoying a night of costumes and drinks together really emphasizes the fact that I have chosen to live alone.
I would love to say that these feelings will go away quickly, but I know now that I’ve entered into a spiral that might take all weekend to recover from.
Why Care?
This is what I find myself asking repeatedly lately… I am quite sure that I’m content being alone and will adopt another pup when I’m emotionally ready, but is that actually enough?
I can’t really say with any confidence anymore… when I was over 100lbs heavier, it was incredibly easy to assert that I’d be alone for ever. Especially since my expectations were so low for my own health… but lately I’ve started to question if I truly want to be alone and maybe I’ve turned myself into someone that’s just unlovable.
Logically I know this is all false, but late into the night with alcohol in my system it becomes far more difficult to believe.
I don’t really have anything more substantial to offer tonight, but I felt like I needed to get this out