Sharing is Terrifying
There's something in our brains as humans that prevents us from opening up naturally with a potentially global audience. The difference between extroversion and introversion play a massive role here. I never considered it a possibility for someone to shift from an extrovert to an introvert, but I am quite sure this happened to me.
The Past Self - Extrovert
When I was younger I found a lot of joy in talking to and playing with my close friends, peers, and strangers equally. The phrase I have always heard describing this extroverted personality is that "I gained energy from these interactions."
Did I have days where my inner-monologue was self-deprecating and judgemental? Of course, but that never truly stopped me from getting to know new people around me.
All through primary school I was involved in sports, music, math and science clubs and competitions, playing video games, and generally being active outside with close friends and neighbors. I am quite a bit older now and life has done a number on me, so thinking about this version of me feels like a completely different person. I barely see any of this kid in myself today.
The Break - Becoming Introverted
In college at the age of 20, my mom died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism. She was where I believe my extroversion came from and we spoke nearly every day leading up to her death. In fact I had just spoken with her on the phone mere hours before she collapsed, was rushed to the hospital, and died. I have never written down these words before in my life, and even as I type them now it feels foreign to be this open (even though this blog will remain anonymous as long as I can).
Not to give away my age, but it has been roughly 2 decades since she passed and I still view this event as a real divergence in the path my life could have taken. I turned inward in a huge way within a year (two at the most).
I have always been fairly self-aware and contemplative. My mother (and father in his way) were very self-aware, incredibly open and accepting, and raised me to be thoughtful, kind, and genuine in everything that I do. I still carry these teachings to this day, and recognize that the largest betrayal of them is the way I viewed myself for years.
When I started to realize that being around people drained me of energy, I also started to recognize that my coping mechanism was to become cold and dismissive. It was easier to prevent my fear of being left behind to take over if I pushed everyone away. This challenging shift pushed away most of my "friends" from high school.
Today - A broken human?
Fast forward many, may years and I still find myself grieving. This is cliche for a reason, nearly anyone that has experienced the loss of a parent will tell you that the pain never truly leaves you, but you do find that it gets to be less acute and more manageable. In the years since, I have really only had one long-term relationship and that crumbled in spectacular fashion. I have tried to find it in myself to look for another companion but after getting destroyed by a fling with a long-time family friend that part of my life became a non-starter.
Which brings me to why I am writing this post today to start out this blog. I have always been hesitant to share these thoughts and feelings because I felt compelled to protect those closest to me from my darkest thoughts. I can't promise this blog won't stay dark for a while, but I do know that my personal reflections come in many flavors. I will share that I am a cisgendered straight man, but I only want to give that context because I struggle to identify with the "male loneliness epidemic."
I have been "alone" for nearly 2 decades (there's obviously an overlap with the timeline from above), but I have never felt like this was "forced on me" or that there is some other explanation besides my own fear of getting hurt again. Where did our social conversation shift from the emerging openness for men in our society to express their feelings to a hard pivot into the "Manosphere"? It's wild to me to watch conversations unfold that come from a place of deep hatred.
What's next?
Like I mentioned earlier, I have always been self-reflective and know that sharing my thoughts and feelings is a freeing experience, but I have never ripped of the bandage of putting these thoughts and feeling down. I hope this expression of my deepest fears, angers, AND happiness brings me the catharsis I need to get back to that inner child that I feel that I lost so long ago.